Back and in Full Effect

I don't think anyone reads my blog because it's too "deep". I guess everyone wants something light, you know what happened to me today, blah blah blah...no one wants the mushy spiritual stuff, or that's how it seems.

But that's o.k. though, because if no one is reading then I'll just keep writing to myself, I can be freeeee...

I haven't been writing lately because I haven't had too many revelations lately. I was on a roll for a minute. I will just use this as my journal, maybe one day I'll restrict the access so I can really get down and dirty.

I went to the library yesterday (I was feeling like reading some spiritual books without buying them). I found the Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu (does anyone know the translation of this title?) and The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. Since I got a job at the spiritual bookstore it has made me want to read more spiritual books. But the only disturbing thing is how they are selling the books and how expensive they are. I have mixed emotions about it. Before I worked there everything was so beautiiful, I wanted to buy it all, but now, I don't want to buy anything. It feels like they are preying on people's emotions. Hmmmm....You know me, can't just leave it as just a bookstore, it's a conspiracy!! :) I think because it's spiritual it bothers me, but I guess it's the same thing as a Christian bookstore, music, etc.

Well, I have absolutely no time for reading with all of the crocheting that I'm doing lately, but I hope to be able to get to the books, I'm going to make time for it. I went from having nothing to do and lost of interest to being over stimulated (which I prefer because it makes the day more exciting). I think having things that I like to do to look forward to helps me to get up every day at 5:30 (this week without an alarm, yay) and commute. I like the commute because I get to crochet and read. It forces me to make time for myself and the things that I enjoy. I'm working on my first afghan and it's for me, I rarely make things for myself. That will take over a month to complete, but I'm really looking forward to it.

I have been praying lately and that has been amazing. The truth is though that it gets hard to be consistent. I always see things more clearly and feel more grounded after praying, I should really keep it up. When I don't pray, I see instantly how I start to get down. I feel like I need to pray just to stay sane. That must be why the bible says to pray without ceasing. And I have been casting down those thoughts like crazy, it's amazing how many there are. But that has really helped too! I have to stop myself and say no!!!!! when those negative thoughts come in. Gotta keep doing it.

The relationship is sooooooooooooooooo hard. I feel like I might go crazy sometimes, that is what keeps me casting out the thoughts and praying fervently. In one way it is good because I am growing in some areas, but then it doesn't seem good to be stressed all the time and constantly battling. Should it be this way, is it just a process, does it get better if you just persevere? It seems so honorable to stay and work it out when you love someone, but honestly, it seems so much easier to walk away. (I know there has to be a level of commitment, for better or for worse, but when do you know if you should commit to that point and how far the "commitment" goes...?) I'm still confused about relationships, the purpose, when you should leave and when you should stay, how dependent/independent/interdependent you should be, how in love you should feel, how much time you should spend together, how much you should communicate, how much should you show each other that you love each other. I'm always confused, thinking, "is it me? or is there something wrong with this situation?" It's damn hard!

Getting to peace is a serious process. Spiritual warfare? Hmmmm...

Alrighty then, back to work for me. Actually, I'm going outside, take a walk to the herb store and get some air and sun on my face. :) Oh Blessed Happy Day!!