Aloha & Loving Myself

Wow, reading back over previous entries I think it's pretty freakin amazing that I actually up and moved to Hawaii. I really didn't think that I was going to do it or that I had the courage to make such a huge move. And now that I'm actually here (going on day #5!), I am so thankful that I did it! Thank you God! I needed a change in my life, I was so stagnant and stuck, unfocused and off the path. I was spiraling downward and I made an attempt to save my own life.

So, I am here and I am with Heidi, Leon and Laule'a. They are taking really good care of me. Heidi got me a job at the restaurant she works at and today was day #3 of working as a waitress and I am getting the hang of it. It is fast paced work but I like that it keeps me busy and moving and I have no time for thinking. I should have done work like this a long time ago. I guess it's a bit stressful at the same time but maybe it will be less stressful once I get the hang of it and know what I am doing.

I am thankful that I am already making moves since I've been here. I have an appointment to see if I can get mental health services so that I can start getting therapy while I am here. I have an appointment with a temp agency as well. I have gone to see a couple of rooms for rent. I rented a car for a week. I've applied for a few health care related jobs and wrote a pretty good cover letter today. Just gotta figure out where I can get it printed so I can fax it.

I am thankful that I have the energy to make moves. But that is why I really need to get into therapy (and possibly medication) because once I get all settled, then that is when I have to start to deal with myself again and then that is when I get really depressed. So, I need to really start to address my issues seriously. I want to start my therapy and really go deep, and begin to explore what really happened in my childhood and how it has affected me. I started a new blog that has many of my tragic or disheartening experiences growing up but they seem too deep to post here. They are not posted for the world to see, I've saved them as drafts. I wonder if I should post them here?? I'll think about it. Maybe the world should know some of those stories too.

I get scared to post the real deal feelings here. I mean the feelings are real that I write about, but I leave out a lot, for fear of being too exposed to who knows who, ya feel?

Anyways, I know that I am suppose to be here. I think that if I didn't make a move I was headed for a nervous breakdown of some sort. My emotions were getting ugly and I was having very ugly thoughts. Life was becoming much too overwhelming for me. Being in relationships (and unhealthy ones at that) trigger all of my emotions and send me into a downward spiral and this needs to be addressed before I can deside to partake in one again. If I don't address these issues I will be no good to anyone and never be able to have children because I won't be stable enough.

I chanted with Heidi for the first time. It was a good experience and I'm glad that I did it. Exploring Nichren Buddhism has actually helped me to grow closer to God and to be more thankful to Him for his rich and many blessings. I have been really working to allow myself to believe that God loves me unconditionally. It is like I am testing Him so that I will know for sure that He does. Even if I chant, even if I have sex before marriage, even if I don't pray, even if I don't have faith, even if I question God, even if I question Christianity, even if I'm not a good friend, even if I'm depressed, even if I never do anything good with my life, even if, even if, even if...God still loves me. And He is still blessing me. I keep waiting for something terrible to happen to me and it hasn't thus far. Not to say that it won't, but I am prepared. I keep waiting to see if God is going to seriously punish me for my disobedience and for me exerting my will above His. It gets so confusing that I can't even try to figure it out.

This discussion is starting to freak me out so I'll stop.

Ok, so...yes, I do feel calmer here in Hawaii. I feel removed from my stress, even though at some point, I'm gonna have to face reality like bills and unpaid parking tickets and shit like that...oops did I say shit? My bad...

It's raining really hard right now. It sounds dope! That's why it's so lush and green here.

We're suppose to be going on a family picnic/bbq tomorrow at the beach. "And we're going to have a good time dammit!" (the family has been a li-ttle stressed lately)

So we'll see if it will be too wet or what...

I'm happy tommorrow is Sunday and I don't have to work. Working 9 hour days is a lot as a waitress. Feet are on hurt mode! But I'm glad they feed me! Yummy Japanese food!

I'm in a writing mood because I just finished watching Lisa Lopes documentary on VH1 of her last days before she died. It was very very deep and I'm sure it affected everyone that watched it. It was shocking to see the footage of her as her car was crashing, but it was amazing to see who she was as a person. Her journey was amazing, I would say that documentary would be a must own. She was a deep person, on a spiritual journey and was taunted by the demons in her life. And I can relate to her struggles sooooo much!!! It's like her life just got out of control and she couldn't bear the weight of it anymore. I totally know what that feels like. That is why I ran away from home to come to Hawaii, because I couldn't bear my life any longer. She seemed to be running to Honduras because she couldn't bear the life she was living either. She got out there with her family and friends, cleansed her body, did yoga, went hiking, swimming, reflected and worked on getting her journey documented. And she had serious struggles while doing it. I respect her and her journey and my heart aches to see how much pain this young woman endured. Heidi and I both sat there is disbelief as we watched and saw who she was.

I'm sure we are all like her, we may not be as talented, or as outgoing or charismatic, but we all have our journey in this life. We all have our joys and pains and life can be quite difficult for some. We all have a purpose to fulfill and a life to touch. One thing she did say that she has learned, the most important thing, which is YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF. I would say that is the comment that I heard the most when it came to me moving to Hawaii. Most of my friends told me to focus on myself and learn to love myself. You know I found that strange and had to step outside of myself to see what they see. Maybe they see that I don't love myself. Hmmm... I never knew people saw that in me. Maybe people see my sadness...Maybe people see that I want to be happy. Maybe some see that I deserve to find happiness. Maybe some see that I tend to sabotage my own happiness. Maybe some see what I won't face. Maybe some see what I refuse to acknowledge or own.

I tell you what and I've said it before, but I want to stop doing things that hurt me inside. I want to STOP doing things that I know are going to be bad for my mental, emotional and physical health. I want to protect and care for myself like my father and mother would protect and care for me. I guess I never really thought about it, but I do want to love myself. And I really doNEED to love myself if I am to ever be able to love others. Wow, I never really focused on this. I will have to explore this more...

I know that may seem strange to say, but...it's like I felt tired of focusing on myself because I feel like I've been selfish and self-absorbed for so many years trying to find my way. But I never tried loving myself. I never tried that approach. I never tried being gentle with myself and giving myself what I need to thrive. I never tried that. I feel like I could straight burst out in tears right now, but I don't think I will...

RAINING REALLY REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW, KINDA SCARY. :( Is it really storming that hard or is it because of the way the house is made it's just REALLY loud? Man, I've never heard rain like that before.

Okay I've written a novel, time to go nitey nite.

Nitey Nite