It's been 5 1/2 months since we moved to Sacramento from Chicago. It has been a challenging yet insightful transition. It has been tough. It has been good. After my niece and my sister decided that my niece should move out after one month of being here it really threw me into a tailspin. I was already struggling with leaving my job, my friends and my life in Chicago to venture out and make this cross country move to Sacramento...the great Unknown, strike #1. Having my niece decide to leave so soon after we moved here after much of our decisions to move to this house in particular were based on Tierra being close to her school. It was my goal to allow her to go back to her school and avoid any extra unnecessary life disruptions for her.
That day in the kitchen, when she told me that she didn't want to live with us anymore, my heart broke. She would never know it and I may not have fully realized it then but it did, strike #2. I went through a series of weeks depressed after that. Sleeping for too many hours, smoking too much marijuana, not doing any work, not going outside, not wanting to hang out with friends, not wanting to call anyone, not wanting to look for work, not wanting to be here, not wanting to really deal, just wanting to sleep. Sometimes I prayed, sometimes I exercised, sometimes I cooked but mostly I just did whatever I wanted to do, which of course was sleeping and some reading.
This time was really good for me. On the one hand I was able to relax and it felt good to be away from the rat race of my corporate job in Chicago. It felt good to set my own pace, stay up as long as I wanted to, do whatever I felt like at the time. On the other hand, I was a nervous wreck, stressed out about how I was going to get a job, how we would survive, would we be able to pay our bills, would Byron want to leave me because I wasn't working and was smoking weed everyday? It was very hard for me to relax, but maybe I was determined to because I didn't stop smoking nor did I go out of my way to get a job. Instead, I did nothing and stressed. Oh my stomach! For a few months my stomach was so sick, I battled daily diarrhea, which made me want to do nothing more than lay down, which fueled my depression. The only time I got true relief was when I smoked.
When I smoked my stomach would stop hurting, I would get energy which would enable me to do chores, do some yoga or dance to Pandora blaring through my stereo or attend to personal hygiene like shaving my legs or clipping my toenails. That's when I started to realize that I could use marijuana to my benefit. Instead of being a lazy lethargic weed head I decided to use the marijuana to work for me. I started making conscious efforts to be productive while I was high and I noticed that in doing that I would give whatever I was doing much more focused energy that I normally would. Usually just doing the basics like washing dishes or cooking would be what I simply called, "drudgery". Smoking actually made the "drudgery" fun! I learned that I could make some delicious meals simply because I was able to take my time and try to create a meal for me and my husband not just throw together a meal in 30 mins or less. I found that when my mind was allowed to stop stressing and I stopped feeling like there is "something else" that I "should" be doing then I was able to be present.
Ahhh being present. I know when I am depressed and anxious I am not able to live in the present. When I am depressed, all that matters is that moment, right then and of course the past. But the future? I don't want to deal with it, I refuse to accept that it exists and if it does exist it is not for me. The only thing that the future represents for me when I am depressed is more pressure to perform. I worry, fret, plot and scheme about how I am going to improve my life state then I berate myself for not being more loving, giving and for not doing enough good in my life. I feel that I am a bad friend, a bad wife, a bad citizen but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be alone. My therapist mentioned that there are many people that choose to live solitary lives and that doesn't make them bad people. That gave me some hope but really I felt like I was in trouble.
I was reading my spiritual books for answers, chanting and meditating, hoping that something would help me to get out of this state. In a nutshell everything kept leading me back to love. Loving people. Now that I think about it, loving people is like the antithesis of depression. Depression causes you to stay inward and loving people requires you to spread outward. I started to realize that I probably wouldn't be happy unless I was giving of my self to others in some way. I knew that I had to get out of the bed. With the help of marijuana, I started forcing myself to stay out of the bed all day. I began to get up and get dressed and do my hair which, prior to smoking is a monumental task. But after I smoke I find that I actually want to get dressed and look presentable. Dressed, clean and neat I start devoting myself daily to house chores, beautifying our home and showing a little extra care to myself and Byron as well as our kitties, Laila and Asia. I also decide to try my hand at gardening again. I was in heaven when I first walked into that Nursery. There were so many beautiful flowers, trees, vegetables. I ended up getting a tomato plant, red leaf lettuce and Japanese cucumber. There was a friendly young salesman that directed me and gave me some good tips.
Just replanting the vegetables was a struggle for me. I was afraid of failing, I knew it...as always. But I just told myself to try, how hard could it be? The transplant and fertilizing went fine, everything started to grow and I was quite pleased with my efforts. I began realizing that the gardening was helping me to see how far removed many people in this American society are from the natural way of living. I mean, I've always know that but when I started growing my own food then I start to really see what is important in life. Being able to feed yourself and your family is the most basic of needs. Even if our society has developed ways to pretty much take care of us as if we were its children, I think that it is important that all people learn to become self-sufficient. And then it hit me, I have to be self-sufficient, basic need. Can't be self-sufficient if I'm depressed. It is through the most basic need of being self-sufficient that I remember that there are others that need help learning to be self-sufficient as well...and that's when the flood gates open. There is so much to do out in the world. There are so many people living in misery and are suffering. If only... If only...
If only I could help someone else to ease their suffering and learn how to create happiness for themselves then I will feel as if I have done something meaningful with my life. That is loving people. If only I can love...
Heidi and Laule'a came to visit me last week and we had a wonderful time together. Their visit and friendship helped me to get motivated to try a little bit harder. I started waking up earlier to pray and when I didn't wake up early I went straight to pray as one of the very first things that I did in the morning. On Monday I took a bus downtown and had lunch at a Vietnamese restaurant and then went and worked at Starbucks and Temple Cafe. I had a great day, I was able to accomplish so much more than I usually would at home in my depressed state. Here is the list of things that I did that day:
On Tuesday, I went to a Meetup.com meeting called Positive Living with Chronic Illness in Sacramento at the library up the street from my house. I'm so happy that I went to that meeting because we were all dealing with our depression and we all felt happy to be be around each other and have someone to talk to.
I'm getting ready to leave now to go see Harry Potter with Byron. Things are getting better...I hope they stay that way.
Gotta run!
Meeks
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